Don't blink. Just run.

Where training meets fandom. And everything in between.

Exploring A Stronger Version Of Myself

on April 28, 2015


At Unleashed, their slogan is “Explore A Stronger Version Of You”. What I am about to write is going to be somewhat superficial and then somewhat deep and incredibly difficult. First, I am going to tell you how I am exploring a stronger physical self.

This past Friday, I attended Freestyle Friday at Unleashed which is basically a 2.5 hour free-for-all where you can use anything in the gym that you want to create a workout for yourself, or spend time practicing something. I’ve only been a few times, but it’s a fun time. We’ve come to have some friendly competitions to push each other to always do more – especially with the sled.

After some event specific warm-up and training (more on that in a bit), we started pushing the sled around. The last time I did it, we were at somewhere around 700 lb. This time, we loaded it up with plates and just kept pushing. We eventually added sandbags, then humans, then smaller humans. Here is a pic of me pushing about 1070 lb and below that is a video of me pushing around 1020 lb.




My friends encouraging me to do more, and then being able to do it, makes me feel strong, physically and mentally. Now, let’s talk about that event specific training, shall we? After shadowing the GOREV, I was completely inspired. I told myself I would never do another GORUCK after our Light in October because I felt I didn’t have the mental fortitude to get through it. After witnessing what my friends pushed through, and all that I’ve overcome in the last several months, I decided to register for another GORUCK event, appropriately called a Challenge.



I have several friends who are going to do it with me and, with their support, I’m going to give it my all. I know they will do everything in their power to see that I don’t fail. On that same note, let’s talk about how I’m exploring mental strength.

It’s no secret I have depression and anxiety. I’ve always been honest about that on here and don’t feel the need to hide it anymore. I’ve decided to share a bit more and, maybe, it might help someone else needing help.

I don’t remember if I’ve spoken about it before, but I also have PTSD. I’m not going to (and never going to) get into why on this blog. What I will tell you is that I also used to cut as a coping mechanism. I started when I was a teenager and did it well into my early 20s. For those who have no experience with it, personally or otherwise, I will just tell you that I did it as a way to distract myself from the mental pain using physical pain. I’ve come to understand that it is a common theme with those who do/did it.

What I’ve only just figured out in the past few months is that cutting is an addiction I just need to keep at bay, not unlike alcoholism or drug abuse. My immediate instinct when having a really bad day, hour, minute is to turn to something that makes that mental pain go away. Luckily, I have Tara and amazing friends and I haven’t resorted to that. The urges were almost daily, but thankfully are getting better with continued therapy and medications I am on. It helps that I have learned better coping skills and am working through what I need to work through, difficult as it may be.

I guess my point in admitting this in such a public forum is that you don’t have to do it. It sucks, and it will hurt, but there are other things you can do. Don’t stuff shit down because it’s not going anywhere. Work through it and come out stronger on the other side. It will get better.

If you need some alternatives, I’ve found this site helpful:






20 responses to “Exploring A Stronger Version Of Myself

  1. Heather says:

    THANK YOU for sharing and opening up and being a voice in a time when we need more voices. You are a stigma-fighter, my dear, and I am very proud to be a fan of your blog and YOU! 🙂

  2. I love you’re honesty. Many people try to sugar coat it in the blog world, but being truthful helps others to see that we are all human. I am glad you are finding new coping mechanisms.

    • Courtney says:

      Thank you. That’s part of why I wanted to put it out there. It’s my blog, my thoughts…they aren’t all sunshine and rainbows, ya know?

  3. piratebobcat says:

    Wow, look at you go!!! Can I call you when my car gets stuck in the mud? 😉

  4. I love your openness and your strength! Seriously! I admire the heck out of you! 🙂 (and the physical strength you have now is quite impressive too! I love the comment above about calling you if the car gets stuck!) LOL

  5. Tara says:

    I’m proud of you, My Lovely

  6. Wow, Courtney, I had no idea that you’ve had to deal with such troubling issues. Thank you for your honesty and sharing those publicly. You are very courageous for doing so, and it’s quite possible you are helping your readers with either your insight or through sharing the links for help. Sending hugs your way!

  7. You’ve come across a great piece of wisdom recognizing that cutting is more like an addiction. I’d not really thought of it that way before a really good therapist I had suggested it to me. That totally revolutionizes the way we tackle the problem.

  8. Jess@Flying Feet In Faith says:

    I applaud your honesty and think that by being so open you’re def on the right track to being healed, healthy, whole, and a MUCH stronger version of you. Keep up the progress. I enjoy reading your blog. You inspire me 🙂

  9. 1000 pounds?! But in all seriousness, your openness and honesty is amazing. I am glad to hear that you are learning healthier ways to cope and I hope that everything continues to improve. I always look forward to reading your posts.

  10. dgobs says:

    Holy badass, woman!! That pic/video of you pushing a literal ton is incredible! 🙂 Like others have said above, thank you for your openness. You are so strong (in many ways) and I hope things continue to get better ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: